Say What You Thought, Not What They Did
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Communicate with I statements that focus on you, not others, to avoid conflicts & misunderstandings. Learn this basic communication skill now!
“First, don’t interpret or add to what they said—just hear it and share it back.” —Kevin Everett FitzMaurice
Communicate With I Statements: Introduction
- “I” statements put the focus and responsibility on the communicator.
Therefore, “I” messages are much less likely to be resented.
- “You” statements put the focus and responsibility on the receiver of the communication.
Therefore, “You” messages put the other person on the defensive.
- “I” statements are a way to convey your message without immediately alienating your listener.
“I” statements do not guarantee success, but they are your best chance of hearing your message.
Communicate With I Statements: Bottomline
- If the person is open to considering your needs and wants, they will be more likely to do so if you use “I” messages.
- If the person is not open to considering your needs and wants, you will more likely avoid drama and a fight if you use “I” messages.
- “You” or blaming messages put people on the defensive and generally trigger people to act less cooperative and agreeable.
Communicate With I Statements: Golden Rule of Communication
- Make statements, not accusations!
- “I” statements increase your odds of being heard.
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: Basic Format
I feel . . . when . . . because . . . .
Extension 1
I feel . . . when you (do or don’t) . . . because I think . . . .
Extension 2
I felt . . . when . . . because I thought it meant . . . .
Extension 3
I feel . . . when . . . happens because I interpret it to mean that I am . . . .
Extension 4
I felt … when you did … because I took it to mean that you thought I was . . . .
Communicate With I Statements: First Part
“I feel . . .”
The first part states what you feel about what happened or what you felt about what happened (or failed to happen). You need only use one or two feeling words for the first part.
- For example, write “hurt, sad, afraid, mad, glad, happy, lonely, discounted, jealous, unloved, anxious, guilty, excited, ashamed, or shocked.” This is the C part in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) shorthand (ABCs).
- REBT’s ABCs of Emotions
Communicate With I Statements: Second Part
“when . . .”
The second part is to let the other person know what event you are referring to.
- It is the “what happened” part of the “I” statement.
The second part can contain a “you,” and it is the only one of the three parts you should allow to contain a “you” when expressing hurt or angry feelings.
- If you are expressing happy or excited feelings, then you can use a “you” in both the second and third parts if you want to. For example, write “when you yelled at me when you were late, forgot my birthday, etc.” In REBT shorthand (ABCs), this is the A part.
Communicate With I Statements: Third Part
“Because. . .”
The third part is used to explain what you thought about the event, about what happened.
- You let the other person know how you interpreted the situation.
Answer this question for the third part: “What did the event mean to you?”
- For example, write, “I thought you didn’t like, respect, trust, care, etc., about me.” In REBT shorthand (ABCs), this is the B part.
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: REBT
RATIONAL EMOTIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY (REBT)
- Now that we know the three parts of an “I” statement, we can understand the whole expression using the paradigm, the model of REBT.
- According to REBT, we have most of our feelings about events, experiences, and occurrences only after we think about ourselves about them.
Communicate With I Statements: Different Order
- When we use “I” statements, we communicate in a different order from what produced our feelings.
- Our feelings are last, C, but we are putting them first to disarm our listeners and to defuse the communication process.
Communicate With I Statements: Actual Order
- The actual order of events would be “when because feel” or A » B » C (REBT’s ABCs).
- However, we express them as “feel = when = because” so that our feelings are regarded as the primary message and the part we want to be considered most important.
Communicate With I Statements: Example
“I felt embarrassed and ashamed when you found typing errors on this webpage because I thought it meant I was a fool and inadequate.”
Communicate With I Statements: Additional Help
- If the person makes the mistake of challenging your reality (see the page Don’t Argue Reality), you can then inform them that you said, “I think it means” and not “it is.”
- The point is that you are not blaming or damning them for your feelings.
- Instead, you are taking responsibility for your feelings based on your thinking about what happened.
Communicate With I Statements: Ask for Understanding
- You can then say that you intended to help them understand your thoughts and feelings.
- You can add that it would be nice if they considered how you felt and thought but that it was not required.
- Additionally, you can tell them they are free to keep their own view, perspective, or interpretation of the topic just as before you shared yours if they so desire.
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: Long Format
Here is another format you may prefer or find useful in some situations. In this system, you use four “I” messages rapidly.
- The correct order is: I sense… I think… I feel… I want …..
- The first “I” message is about what you sense, for example, what you see or hear.
- The second “I” message is about what you think or how you judge what you sense.
- The third “I” message is about what you feel about what you sense.
- And the fourth “I” message is about what you want or desire regarding what you sensed (experienced).
Communicate With I Statements: Basic Long Format
I sense . . . . I think . . . . I feel . . . . I want . . . .
Extension 1
I see you (doing) . . . . I think (what you see them doing) means . . . . I feel . . . (about what it means to or for me). I want you to (do) . . . instead.
Extension 2
I heard you say . . . . I took it to mean that . . . . I felt . . . about it (in that light or with that understanding). I would prefer it if you would . . . .
Extension 3
I was told you (did) . . . . I interpreted it to mean . . . . I then felt . . . . I wish you would . . . .
Extension 4
I smelled . . . . I believed it meant . . . . I felt . . . after thinking that about it. I would like it very much if you would . . . .
Communicate With I Statements: First Message
“I sensed . . . .”
- The first message is used to state what it is that you are experiencing. You are relating to the other person as accurately a description of your physical experience as you can. You tell them what you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.
- You do not interpret or add to it. You do your best to report objectively what you have observed. It is the ‘what happened’ “I” statement. For example, “I saw you talking to an attractive woman.” In REBT shorthand, this is the A.
Communicate With I Statements: Second Message
“I thought . . . .”
- The second message lets the other person know how you interpreted the event. The purpose here is to tell them how you understood what you sensed. This is the ‘meaning’ “I” statement. This is where you admit to the other person how you interpreted the situation.
- Convey here the meaning the event had for you and nothing else. Neither justify it nor disparage it. For example, write, “I thought you didn’t like, respect, trust, care, etc., about me.” In this example, you might say, “I thought you were flirting with her.” In REBT shorthand, this is the B.
Communicate With I Statements: Third Message
“I felt . . . .”
- The third message conveys your feelings about what you thought about what you sensed. Be careful not to add to your feelings or to try to rationalize them here. Please keep it simple. Please keep it to the point.
- For example, write “hurt, sad, afraid, mad, glad, happy, lonely, discounted, unloved, anxious, guilty, excited, ashamed, or shocked.” In this example, you might say, “I am jealous of your attention to her.” In REBT shorthand, this is the C.
Communicate With I Statements: Fourth Message
“I want . . . .”
- The fourth message expresses what you want the other person to do differently for you. This message is used to make requests to seek changes from the other person.
- For example, “I would prefer it if you would not spend so much time with attractive and available women when we go to parties.”
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: Table Version
- Click to go to the advance page on “I” statements.
Communicate With I Statements: Goal
- You may still not get what you want.
- But at least you shared your experiences, gave the other person your reasons, and shared your feelings.
- Sometimes, both persons get to be heard and make psychological contact (wonderful).
- Sometimes, you plant seeds that will bear fruit in the future (nice).
- Other times, you avoid things turning ugly (okay).
Communicate With I Statements: Express without Blame
- If they choose to respond, all is well and good.
- But if they did not. You still managed to express your true self.
- Being able to say what you think and feel—without blaming others—is a true measure of mental health.
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: Quotations Various Sources
Listed Alphabetically
“Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.” —Orson Card
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” —Dr. Seuss
“But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation;” —I Peter 1:15
“Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.” —Spanish proverb
“Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of iniquity, which speak peace to their neighbours, but mischief is in their hearts.” —Psalms 28:3
“Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.” —Unknown
“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.” —Margaret Millar
“Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” —Proverbs 16:24
“Some man holdeth his tongue, because he hath not to answer: and some keepeth silence, knowing his time.” —Ecclesiasticus 20:6
“The first duty of love is to listen.” —Paul Tillich, 1886-1965
“The most precious things in speech are pauses.” —Ralph Richardson
“There are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking.” —Mary Lowry
“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.” —Jeff Daly
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: Related Information
- Advanced “I” Messages: “I” Statements—Advanced
- Fast-Facts on Communication
- Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT): REBT’s ABCs of Emotions
- REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy): List Pages
- Styles of communicating: 25 Relational Styles
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: 6 Groups of Topics Menu
- 1. Pages by Topic
- 2. Fast-Facts by Topic
- 3. Quotations by Topic
- 4. Poems by Topic
- 5. Scripture by Topic
- 6. Websites by Topic
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
Communicate With I Statements: 9 Skills & Topics Menu
- 1. Anger Skills & Topics
- 2. Blame Skills & Topics
- 3. Communication Skills & Topics
- 4. Coping Skills & Topics
- 5. Counseling Skills & Topics
- 6. Praying Skills & Topics
- 7. Recovery Skills & Topics
- 8. Responsibility Skills & Topics
- 9. Thinking Skills & Topics
- Read and discover the world’s best breathing exercise for your feelings and stress.
