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How to Control Others
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DRINK
DISCOVER
DISCOVER
"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."--Thomas a Kempis
To control others--control yourself.
To change the outer--change the inner.
To get what you want--give what you want.
When you change your responses, then others respond differently to your new behaviors. This is how you change or control others: indirectly through influence.
3 EFFECTIVE METHODS: You have three effective methods to change or control others:
1) Example: Model what you want.
2) Be available: Practice active listening.
3) Pray: Pray for them to be under God.
3 INEFFECTIVE METHODS: You have many ineffective methods such that you can help them to be or do more of what you don't want.
The big three are whining, blaming, and damning,
or, if you prefer, nagging, scolding, and shaming.
WORST METHOD: The worst method of all is perhaps the most common of all: negative motivation. Negative motivation is experienced as nagging, scolding, and shaming.
For instance, if you want someone to be honest, then you accuse them of being dishonest all the time. Then when they are latter proved to be dishonest, you can say you knew it and you tried to prevent it.
This is the favorite strategy of parents who ruin their children by calling them names and scripting them to be failures. "You will never amount to anything!" "You are a whore!" "You are a loser!" "You are stupid!" "You are evil!" "You are a bum!" Etc.
Right intention coupled with wrong method = disaster.
You may think that your intention is to help them experience the danger and pain of doing the wrong, but in the process you are identifying them with the wrong. Now, if they make the mistake of accepting your teaching, then they will be the wrong. And if they are the wrong, they will have to make it right. In other words, they will call evil good and accept the wrong as right, as self.
2 REFERENCES: Here are two references that will help you to practice the good three: example, availability, prayer.
Page, Susan. How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflict and Reignite Your Love. Broadway Books, New York. 1997.
Gordon, Thomas. PET: Parent Effectiveness Training. The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children. Three Rivers Press, 1975, 2000.
Books for Reading and Reference
REAL CONTROL
1) Control through acceptance.
2) Control through problem-solving.
3) Control through knowing when to use problem-solving or coping.
QUOTATIONS VARIOUS SOURCES
"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."--Anonymous
"For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God."--I Peter 2:20
"Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not."--Thomas Henry Huxley
Serenity Prayer
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